Dedication

Imagine spending eight hours on a single essay for one of your three classes. Not just writing it, but rewriting it, rewriting it again, editing it, editing it again, re-reading the instructions and then starting over multiple times. You began this assignment at three in the morning and now somehow it’s 10:30 AM. What was supposed to be a straightforward essay about something you love has turned into a seven and a half hour assault on your sanity! You begin to question your own competence as the patience and optimism you started out with turns into a simmering rage, gradually boiling deep inside the pits of your stomach. All kinds of doubts begin to creep in as you wonder if you have what it takes to pass these classes and earn that degree.

When I decided to come back to school again this time around, I pictured myself spending many hours hunched over a keyboard, slurping ramen noodles from a cup in one hand with a vape pen tightly gripped in the other to keep me going on through the night. I romanticized this image of a hard working student and even looked forward to putting in the work. Lately however, I’ve been feeling the pains of trying to understand instructions for assignments and following them, leading me to struggle more than I ever have with school before.

This basically describes my experience with school so far. While I remain undeterred and persistent I still find myself wondering “What if?”. What if I’m not smart enough to understand the assignment? What if I still can’t remember anything after hours of studying? What about all of the wasted time and money I will never get back? It’s during times like these that I try to remind myself “Hey, if someone else who earned the degree I’m after has done it, then there’s no reason why I can’t too!”. Still, I don’t find much satisfaction in what I’m doing. Only more frustration and discomfort as I cycle between patterns of overeating junk food and starving myself to death. All in the pursuit of being able to rise above blue collar work, so that I can have a respectable career instead of a laborious, physically taxing job which has already worn me down beyond what I can handle. Still, I prefer this pain over the physical pain of working ten hour shifts at an Amazon fulfillment center.

Working hard by itself is never enough, I understand that I must complete assignments according to the specifications of my instructors. Proper MLA format, Times New Roman font, double spaced, proper heading, my name, my instructor’s name. Starting the assignment feels like an assignment of its own. I always thought the information on the paper itself was more important than how it was written and what it looked like, but what do I know? Whoever trained these professors must be some uptight monacle wearing, moustache twirling, upper class, egomaniacal pricks! As far as I’m concerned, as long as you’re doing your work and getting it turned in on time, why does any of this extra shit even matter?

All I want is a fancy piece of wallcandy to hang in an office of my own somewhere, so that I can start working as a legitimate counselor. I wonder what will happen to me if I don’t finish school? It feels really bleak even asking myself that question. I feel like I’ve worked too hard to turn around and say “Fuck it” so soon, so I guess moving forward is all that I really can do. There’s so much to learn, the only course of the three that I’m working on that is relevant to my major (psychology) is a class about the psychological development of adolescence.

There’s so much information to learn with all of these sex hormones and stuff about the pituitary gland. It’s like going to sex education all over again, except the cool part is the course covers something called “puberty rituals” and acknowledges how puberty is handled and acknowledged in other cultures around the world. I honestly find that aspect more interesting, I could see the practicality in learning about how people in other cultures grow up. That is something that could help me be more effective with a diverse range of clientel once I get my career started. Other than that, most of it is boring to me and I’m going through a serious case of information overload.

Stress Relief

I enjoy writing which is why I decided to take up blogging as a hobby four months ago. Being in school and having to do all of these essays takes the fun out of something that I love to do and sometimes makes me wonder if I want to do anymore writing in the near future or give it a break for awhile. But I can’t seem to help myself, I keep feeling drawn to the keyboard again and again. It’s a deeply therapeutic experience for me, even though I’m a big yapper who doesn’t always have interesting things to say. My neck hurts, my left shoulder aches and I’m feeling some discomfort in my back. Plus I’m always worried about getting things done and studying, for once I just want to have some fun doing something that I enjoy. Whether I succeed academically or quit school and go back to work, I will always make time for writing. The best part about shit going sideways is I have more fodder to blog about. So I guess that’s a positive perspective I can take even if things go wrong.

Hopes And Dreams

Besides wanting to be a therapist, I also want to be an author. From the time that I was a kid my parents and I always talked about me one day writing a book. The problem is I could never figure out what that book would be about. Mom and dad always supported me in anything I loved or wanted to do and besides having a passion for music, writing was always my thing. I’d love to get to a point where I start making serious money as a writer even though I’m very much aware of how many other people are trying to do the same thing. There’s so much competition out there and I’m not so delusional that I believe I’m good enough to deserve money for writing the way that I do. There are plenty of people who are better than me and I don’t think I’m really that interesting, but the fact that over one hundred people are sticking around to still receive emails about my posts is beyond thrilling to me.

Every lost subscriber stings a little, though. Still, through advertisements I’ve been fortunate enough to scrape together some pocket change here or there. Nothing too spectactular but when it happens, I feel like I’ve won a billion dollars on those rare occasions I’m financially rewarded for my blogging. The only other thing that would be equally as exciting for me would be engagement and comments to respond to, even if people tell me I suck. I expect to be doing this for years, so of course there are going to be disappointments, times I don’t make any money, times when people unsubscribe or have something negative to say to or about me. I often wonder what the people who read my newsletter on a regular basis think about me. Perhaps not the worst considering quite a few of you have decided to stick around, even after some of my bitchier posts. I am grateful for the readership that I have today.