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Make It Your Habit

My Dear Lady

She came from a broken family and a rough background and I was a dumb fool she wanted to fall in love with. My exaggerated posture attracted her to me, convincing her that I was someone to be taken seriously. We’ll call her Christy for the anonymity’s sake. I had slept with many men and no women before Christy came into the picture. I had always wanted a taste of what it was like to be with the fairer sex.

It would be someday in 2019 when that dream would come true and the woman of this story would enter into the picture and become a major character in my life’s story for a short time. She was simultaneously wise and childish, seeming to switch between the two modes. Oddly cringe and charasmatic but unexpectedly wise and logical too. The strangest blend of intelligent and immature. Two opposing traits could not exist stronger in a single person than they did in within her.

She taught me how to treat a woman and I was surprisingly inept in this department. I did not realize the full gravity of my words and how hurtful I was capable of being, albeit unintentionally. Yet, my dear lady was patient and willing to let me screw up even though I look back now with so much regret, asking myself the question “What made me think that was an okay thing to say to a woman? To anyone?”.

At one point when she came to visit me, we had reached a point where I was lying in bed with tears streaming down my face and she kindly wiped each one as they fell from my face to my mattress. I knew I had demonstrated awful conduct even though I meant nothing by it, yet Christy was forgiving and patient enough to put up with all of it. Though she had threatened to leave because of my disrespect at one point. Every step of the way, I had to learn what was okay and wasn’t okay to say to a partner. I was very childish and look back with embarrassment and shame. I’m sure my grandmother was looking down on me from heaven with embarrassment and frustration.

Never Meant To Be

Christy was a nymphomaniac and I was a bisexual guy who had never had sex with a woman before. She was unlike any female I had ever met; eager to jump into the sex and initiate it. She liked the weird fetish stuff like my female foot fetishes among other things. But I would come to find out over time that she had a background of childhood abuse. Who knows what impact that had on her but some of her family dynamics were questionable. Some of the things Christy liked raised some red flags, but she was a brain cancer survivor and had battled the illness a few times since childhood. By the time I met her, she was forty years old. I was nine years younger.

The age gap was a little big but not too bad, however I think that her life experiences had tainted her. She had to be tough at a young age and it’s clear that it fucked with her development from early on. The very body language that attracted Christy to me was deliberately a show of public “toughness”, a persona I put on. I can’t even explain why I arched my shoulders into a broad stance as I strolled like the president of the goddamn building we both worked at, but she would later comment that I looked like somone who carried themselves with purpose and dignity, which attracted her to me. I didn’t recognize it at the time but she started flirting with me by handing me “Bang!” energy drinks and saying “Bang, bang!” to me at lunch time every day. It seemed so random and I thought it was weird, but never thought too much about what it meant until long after the fact.

The Arms Of An Angel

When we would sleep together she was very affectionate and I still remember the feeling of her holding me in between her legs, as if I belonged to her. I enjoyed the sensation as I’ve traditionally been the submissive type. I couldn’t help it, when we would have sex during those private moments, I had to silently tell her in her ears that I was all hers and that I would always be hers to do with what she wished, but Christy was more interested in a traditional relationship. She still was willing to play along as by this point we had already spent some time hanging out after work to grab a coffee and smoke too many cigarettes.

I wanted a relationship too, but I really liked the kinky stuff and was more fetish heavy than she was. I recognize the simp like behavior for what it is today. The kind of behavior where a man is chatting with an attractive OnlyFans woman, dick in one hand and wallet in the other. My desires haven’t changed but I’ve all but given up on this sexual fantasy as it gets quite deep and beyond what I could realistically trust another human being to handle without taking advantage of me. Beyond the sex, there was something amazing about having another human being laying down next to me in bed. Sometimes when I lay down, I imagine that she is still there. That we somehow worked out our differences.

Ultimately I was the one that broke up with her because our relationship became so out of control and dysfunctional that I couldn’t tolerate it. I felt like I had some kind of genuine understanding what my father meant when he said he “Didn’t want to go down that road again” when I offered him my biological mother’s phone number so they could talk. I still crave that feeling of having another person-man or woman laying next to me in bed, but having that experience for as wonderful as it was also made me wary of being in relatioships moving forward combined with the crushing guilt that I still feel for my behavior in the past. I did eventually apologize to Christy for my past actions and asked for her forgiveness. As an amends she simply requested that we remain friends. However it has been some time since we last spoke. So I guess I’ve blown that.

Christy is unusally clingy, claiming to have abandoment issues. I do believe her but her clingyness makes her seem unattractive and psychotic. I feel that a woman her age needs to learn to be able to be okay without depending on the connections of other people. That she doesn’t need to stay attached to every person she quickly forms a bond with forever. However I have started to wonder how that mirrors my relationship with my older sister and why I’m unable to let her go without feeling seriously betrayed.

Perhaps I have my own abandonment issues that have caused me to gravitate towards Christy just as she did to me. I seem to have this “gift” of attracting the attention of some of the most broken and undesirable types of people. It’s as if there’s a magnet inside of me that shouts at the entire world “Hey, every broken and damaged person that is close by, come and speak to me and I promise I’ll fix you!”. I always did seem to get along best with drug addicts and people with behavioral issues, no matter how hard I’ve tried to be “normal”. It really is concerning and does raise the question of “What is broken inside of me that still needs some fixing?”. God only knows.

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