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Resistence

In the video game Grand Theft Auto V, there’s a cutscene where Michael Desantis is asked by his therapist “What do you really want, Michael?”. Michael responds with “I don’t know, something that isn’t this!”. It’s not always easy to tell where we will end up when we make certain choices, sometimes the results are predictable and other times we don’t know what we’re getting ourselves into. For myself, I know that one of my greatest strengths (and weaknesses) is tendency to grow bored and dissatisfied with any situation I don’t like and try to escape from it. Usually with a quick emotional response that sets into motion a domino effect of echoing consequences. Often, these repercussions aren’t bad but they do lead to unexpected results.

When my therapist Angela recently said that she believed I needed a “Higher level of care” during our last session after sending her a series of concerning emails, she recommended me to go to a group therapy setting for a few days out of the week, at an outpatient psychiatric program. As per usual, I resisted it but began going just two days ago. The experience has been less than magical, in fact I have mixed to negative feelings about being there. I remember hopping into my car yesterday during one of the group sessions to talk to my friend Larz about two schizophrenic men having what they considered to be a deep conversation with each other. After they went on for several minutes, I found myself wanting to be anywhere else in the world but there.

I got up, walked out of the room and retreated to my vehicle. The pinnacle of nausiating pseudointellectual talk had reached its peak and so had my patience. When Larz called, I couldn’t have been more relieved. Finally, a voice of sanity in a world of dullness and insanity! What I came to realize throughout our conversation was that I have a tendency to want to run away from any situation before it has a chance to fully unfold. This meant that I don’t really give anything a chance to work for me, as at the slightest sign of things either falling apart at the seams or developing into a situation I don’t like, my first instinct is always to run for the hills.

I remember growing up being bored of school, being bored of life, wishing and hoping for the day I would turn eighteen and fly away to college. But for me that never happened, as my own limitations and weak will to move my own forward kept me tied to living at home with my parents. I was highly ambitious, but far too lazy to be the initiator in my own life. It was this very paralyzing sense of dissatisfaction with being alive. Ironically, it was getting into drugs in the first place which ended up being the necessary catalyst to what would ultimatley change my whole life for the better. When I was on drugs, even a quarter of what I earned later on would have been unbelievable, but it seems I’ve lost touch with my sense of grattitude over time.

As I got clean and started to become more independent, I began to recieve the gifts of recovery, including an apartment of my own. My freedom and world continued to expand and gradually, I’d elevate through all sorts of changes and phases in my life to the point where I now live in my own home. But even now, I’m trying to move down south to North or South Carolina. I find that as time goes on, I have become less tolerent of routines, opting instead to go on wild adventures and plan for major changes in both the present and future. But here’s the problem; I’ve realized that this has been a prevalent theme of my life for many years. I’d experience some success, accumulate more blessings and eventually become unbearably bored. Then, I would devise a plan to completely change everything about my life.

I believe that I have a problem with accepting any kind of normality. Anytime life becomes “too easy” or “too difficult”, I imagine escaping to some monastery in the mountains of Tibet, maybe then I’d finally be happy, right? If nothing ever truly satisfies me, then how do I find lasting satisfaction in my life? I think that’s the biggest question I’ve run into most recently. I still have no answers for it, but it’s certainly something that I think is worth exploring.