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Swallowing The Sun & Spitting Out Fire

Like a hot tamale, I swallow the fire and spit it back at the sky. I was reborn on this day, ego assassin boiling like the surface of the sun, cold like hypothermia. Frost bite like a rabid polar bear, resentment is in the air. Life isn’t fair but I’m here to grin and bare it. So ill therapists couldn’t help me, I make mortal men shudder and melt like butter. Triggering volcanos world wide, turning asses to ashes and enemies to dust. Non-negotiable victory is a must.

I’m like an STD of the mind, psychologically sick and manimalistic, physically thick like a stone cold brick, stupidly tough and stubborn. Barbarous huntsman of the tribe I can’t be bargained with or bought with a bribe. Close to the edge, I skydive off the cliff of sanity without a parachute. The transformation from villain to foe has begun, poison in your radius, attracting enemies just for fun.

Gotta exercise these demons, cause lately they’ve been starving and haven’t eaten. I need a creative outlet like a fork in a microwave, shock value not minimal. Holding back creative aggression is criminal, taking shots at ‘em both direct and subliminal. Ragebait feeds the starving soul.

Frustration & Venting

A friend of mine recently told me a story about a time when he became so angry at his brother Robert, that he told his brother and his family that he never wanted to see them ever again. His brother, his mother and some other family members were going through the motions of their usual drama at that moment in time. “I’ll block all of your numbers, leave the state and never come back. I am done with this family forever!” John had said. The man hopped into his car and only made it a short distance before realizing that he ought to pull over, as his emotional state was causing him to drive erratically. He knew his odds of causing an accident would spike dramatically with each mile that he continued to drive. Armed with this self-awareness, John pulled over and allowed himself to gather his sanity as he let some time pass. 

My friend and I are very much alike in this regard, we both understand what it’s like to be so overwhelmed with emotion (like an episode of burning rage or severe depression) which would surely end in handcuffs and a few felonies, had we made a decision to escalate things any further. In much the same way as him, I’ve had my own share of intense experiences. I remember one morning before work many years ago being depressed about having to show up at my job, which I was deeply unsatisfied with. I was due at work by 7:30 that morning and yet there I was, driving many miles away in the opposite direction of where I should’ve been heading. Anyone who might’ve been in the car with me on that day would probably think I was trying to drive to Kansas or something. 

My living situation was such that I already had to plan well in advance my commute if I had any hope of showing up to work on time. It was around 7:45 and I had already been driving with no clue where I was going or what I would do once I got there. My supervisor called while I was going on my emotional tour of freedom and pain and I remember apologizing before trying to bargain with him to keep my job. Though he seemed to be in a forgiving mood, I could hear the dissatisfaction in his voice. I was still not thrilled about going back to Hell for another day. Nevertheless when the conversation ended, I took a few minutes to breathe, then turned right around and started to make my way back towards work. 

Another time while I was still living in Colorado Springs, I had a mental break over something that sent me spiraling. I somehow got it into my head that I should drive all of the way to New York City to start a new life out there, so I drove late at night for a long while, eventually ending up at a bar somewhere in Pueblo, then approached a bartender to ask for the police to come and get me because I was feeling suicidal. She called the police who then came, apprehended me and took me to a psychiatric hospital where I stayed for just under a week. I found that I was losing myself under the pressure. Not real pressure, but the kind of tension that your mind multiplies until you feel your adrenaline kicking in. It turns into a wild ride of anxiety and frustration that if you tried to put into words, would likely create a scenario end with you in handcuffs for incitement of violence. 

Pain Tolerence

No one enjoys the sensation of pain. Most of the hurt we encounter in our lives amounts to a stubbed toe, a papercut or something equally as trivial. Some minor annoyance or small roadblock in our lives. Some people are more resilient than others, approaching the world with the attitude and mindset of “accepting life on life’s terms”. Their pain tolerence is high and it would take an extreme and unusual set of circumstances to disrupt their ability to remain calm and rational under pressure. Everyone has their breaking point, though. The point at which they say to themselves “Okay, screw this crap. I’ve had it with this!”. The peak of insanity reaches its climax when you realize that you no longer care about making the situation better or even care if it gets worse, so you just throw a mantrum (a manly tantrum). 

Before you know it, you’ve dug yourself an even deeper hole than before and now must accept the consequences of it. But that in and of itself just becomes fuel for even greater resentment. The classic case of the spiraler who much like the pilot of a damaged helicopter, says to themselves “Well, I’m going down anyway, might as well make the trip to Hell as interesting as I can before I hit the ground!”. They say the first step to getting out of a hole is to stop digging. I say the first step to getting out of a hole is to find the desire to stop digging. As it is wisely noted, “Wherever you go, you bring you with you”. 

Of course the best way to find treasure is to dig for it and you don’t even need to be a pirate or thief to know that. Sometimes it the digging has to take place into your chest like an autopsy. It may hurt at first but if you’re willing to endure the pain, you might discover something about yourself. Life to me is a journey of self-discovery. What makes me tick? Why? And how do I solve that riddle? Avoidance of pain is natural, but what if it lead to a better understanding of one’s self? Would it be worth it? Imagine instead of an autopsy, you’re performing heart surgery on yourself. You try as delicately as you can to cut away the cancers inside and “Trim the fat” so that all you have left is the truth, in its most basic form.

I started off this post with a cringe poem just to relieve some of the internal pressure. I know I’m not the most creative writer on the planet, in fact I bet most would be able to write a well structured song, haiku or poem with a better rhyme scheme and more interesting word choices or double entendres. I’m still trying to heal while making sense of my wounds, that feels like a monumental task for me. I may never find the solutions I’m looking for but I can at least express myself in my own little corner of the internet.