Tonight I am ashamed of myself for the way I have treated one of my co-workers and friends. It is truly a tragedy that I have allowed myself to brag about my financial success in the workplace after knowing about my friend’s situation with money. Like a foolish big balloon, I blew my ego up into the size of an elephant only to pop and be reduced smaller than a pathetic little mouse. All done to me by me.

Now I lay here in bed reflecting on my actions, knowing that I knew better, but still ignored my own common sense. I traded decency for bragging rights over private matters. A numbness has taken over my body as my mind sends sour vibes of guilt down my spine. I am weak. I am sad. I am craving an opportunity to address the situation and hopefully make it right, while also feeling intense apprehension about it.

Amends and restitution are a challenge for me because of how my conscience reacts. I’d rather hide away isolated from the world and even god himself to engage in intense self-loathing, tearing myself down than face the person I’ve harmed and the results of my behavior. As a person in Recovery today, I do not have this luxury any longer. I have to be willing to have difficult conversations, admitting that I have been wrong. Willing to do what is necessary to move forward.

DEAR GOD, GIVE ME THE STRENGTH

Dear God, I ask you to give me the strength to push through the emotional barriers I experience in order to do your will even when I am scared, even when I am embarrassed, even when I am confronted by my guilt and my shame. Give me the wisdom and the good sense to pause and self-correct before I am wrong. I pray that you deliver me from my inconsiderate ways so that I may co-exist with your children, remaining in good standing with the purity of their hearts and good intentions. Remove my shortcomings so that I may build with them rather than destroy, Amen!