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Have you ever felt like you were just floating through life, trying to find your place but not knowing exactly where you belong? Have you found yourself in between jobs, never quite feeling at home wherever you go? Maybe there are friends waiting to be met, but you haven’t found them yet. It’s such a strange feeling when you take ultmate command over your destiny-combining intuition, spiritual guidance and a bit of intellect to help guide you to that next big chapter in your life. It can feel lonely, it can certainly feel frustrating and pointless. You’re just a ghost haunting a busy world that is ignoring you.

You don’t just want money you want fulfillment and a reason for why you do what you do. I recently nabbed an entry level job for a sales position and only a few days in it’s been quite challenging. It’s commission based and knowing that my ability to support myself depends on strangers liking me enough to pay me feels very strange. I almost wonder if I’ve lost my mind accepting this position but I’m curious to see where it goes even though everything in me screams that I should turn back now. I have a new sponsor whose homegroup is much further away from my home than I would prefer and I’m adjusting to all of this as best I can.

Naturally I find myself asking the question “So what is my new ‘normal’ supposed to look like?”. “Am I going to like where I’m headed or will I get stuck somewhere I don’t want to be?”. I think we’ve all had times when we had to question ourselves and honestly ask where we are going and whether that place aligns with our goals and priorities and if not, how we might rearrange circumstances more to our liking. “New” is my favorite word. I like making new friends, going new places, trying new things. New truly is the flavor of life for me, because I know what it’s like to get stuck in unambitious routines that seem to lead to nowhere and each morning that I wake up, my beard is just a few more hairs greyer than the day before. I don’t have time to waste anymore and I have places to go and shit to get done.

As scattered as life seems, I suppose anything is better than sucking dicks in a bathhouse with heroin needles stuck in my arms. Some days the insanity of my addict brain begs to go back to those days because at least they were interesting! But those roads always end in a violent crash and burn with nothing left, worth saving. I have to find a way to “renew” my life without spending a fortune, getting high or getting sex to do it and that is the ultimate struggle. The people and places that once were never could be again, as too much has changed.

Imagine for a second moving me back to Colorado Springs and having me attend the same Narcotics Anonymous meetings I used to go to. It just wouldn't work like it once did. The scariest thing about being lost is sometimes knowing that you can’t really go back because people, places and circumstances have changed to a point where it simply wouldn’t work out the way that it used to. Like trying to jam a puzzle piece somewhere it doesn’t belong. No amount of forcing it into a random empty space will make it fit. The entire puzzle has changed and the bigger picture looks alot different than it used to. So does your place within it.