For those who have followed my blogs here on Substack with any degree of regularity, you know that I’ve long had a history of driving related anxiety. This morning I experienced what I believe to be a breakthrough in my recovery in the nearly six weeks I’ve confined myself to my home, using Doordash to order groceries. I was able to take the highway to work without feeling much anxiety, even with high winds jolting my car! Further, I was able to drive to the bank in order to go to the bank. A big accomplishment for me.

My therapist some months ago helped me unlock a memory in which I had accidentally rearended a girl’s car many years ago, causing her to have a back injury. The incident was a mistake I made that has left an impact on me. While I’m quick to attribute it to something known as “Harm OCD”/Responsibility OCD I sometimes wonder if the incident forever shaped how seriously I take safety while driving. I would have occasions when I would drive back to a pothole or a place where I thought I heard a strange noise and see nothing, yet feel compelled to loop back and forth despite seeing nothing. During particularly bad episodes I would sit up late at night unable to sleep, replaying every moment of driving, reading news articles about recent hit and runs. Any crimes related to driving.

As you might be able to imagine ordering all of my groceries from doordash had become very expensive. So it is of course very important that I figure out how to push past my anxiety and break free from these psychological constraints.