Two days ago I relapsed on Kratom and then fell back into my old Kava habit. In the time in between I started smoking on one of those THC vape pens. This all falls firmly under the category of a relapse for me. Following weeks of confining myself to my home, my white knuckling approach to Recovery finally failed and in all of its horrid glory, the desire to use came back in full effect with no defense against the first drug. As is typically the case in these circumstances, I lost my grip on sanity and began to indulge and hide my habits, even from myself. Evading and avoiding are my typical go-to’s while on a relapse. Somewhere along the way I lost my desire to recover and stay sober. Complacency turned into desire as I had stacked week upon week without being an active participant in my own recovery. The results? A collapse of stability. And now I’m trying to rebuild a more solid foundation to replace what was lost.

There are two ways to look at a relapse; “Oh God, I gotta start this thing over again. Damn this sucks!” or you could view it as a new opportunity to build something stronger. In my case I know exactly where things fell apart even though I don’t know all of the steps along the way, which still works perfectly fine for me. Sometimes a relapse is referred to as “research”, which I think is a great way to frame it! “Research” implies figuring out what the cracks in the armor were and coming back to cover up your weak spots in the future. Isolation is an addict’s greatest enemy besides an unwillingness to change or be open minded to different perspectives. When my community of sober peeps seemed to disappear into their own lives and I began to distance myself as well from the sober relationships I had built up over the last few years, the stage was set for what would eventually become a relapse. Community is the glue that holds us together. Without it, we’re considerably weaker. With it, we have a common goal and tend to hold each other somewhat accountable to attend meetings (though that usually happens on its own without the need for encouragement when one makes friends within the A.A or N.A fellowship).

These connections are so fundamental to the lifelong process that is Recovery. In my case, reigniting the flame of passion that has been extinguished involves finding a brand new sponsor and seeking out a new group of sober friends. Part of life is accepting that it is highly unlikely that we will maintain the same connections throughout the seven or so decades that most of us live, unless we’re talking about family. Some truly are friends for life, others (most) come and go, like the seasons. Honesty is the hardest part for me when it comes to a relapse. As mentioned earlier, I tend to be unusually evasive and not immediately tell anyone that I made a bad decision. However this time around within seventy-two hours of my relapse, I called my mother to let her know what I had done which was followed by an uncomfortable, but still productive conversation. Sobriety for me is a strange thing; when I am unhappy with being clean I crave the drugs but once I am back in I quickly remember how much I actually prefer being sober over getting loaded.

My relapses over time have been fewer and further between one another in recent years. I don’t expect to be perfect but I do expect to be better by carrying forward the lesson of this latest setback. Remembering to go find a new community if the one I have is disappearing or no longer suiting my needs as a person in Recovery who is always seeking growth and new direction in life. I’ve never been one to be satisfied with standing in one spot, as I tend to get bored after settling into a routine that feels too familiar. Knowing what to expect takes the mystery out of life and I begin to wonder what I am doing. This is often a good place for me to be but this time around, it has proven to be a trigger for relapse. I remain determined to set things straight as I go forward into a (hopefully) better future.