The Learning Curve Never Ends
One of the most difficult things about being human is looking back and realizing “Why did I do something so ridiculous and think that was a good idea?”. Many times in retrospect we may realize we weren’t even “thinking” we just simply did some things that we now regret. Sometimes the sting is minimal, sometimes it’s a painful burden we carry with us that we spend years trying to resolve in therapist’s offices or through religious atonement. Maybe we gave way to temptation that lead us down a road of consequences we wished we had been brave enough to see sooner. Of course I’m no exception and some of the things I will mention are just simply braindead. If you haven’t done any of these things yet, Good! Trust me, it doesn’t end well. Some of these things maybe mild while others are just scumbaggery on full display. I look forward to your roasts for those of you who are looking for someone to tear into, feel free to comment below. The learning curve never ends but for some folks it’s sharper than others.
1.) Having Unprotected Sex With Strangers
I had my fun in my early twenties going to gay bathhouses and by this point in my life I’ve even had sex with a few women. All of these people have been strangers, with the exception of one who was my girlfriend. Of course I never cheated on her and I know I was clean and STD free when I was with her because I had been tested a couple of times before I was with her, but after our breakup I eventually became a male slut and started going back to sleeping with lots of men and a couple of women.
At one point I joined in on a sex party where there was a line of men receiving blowjobs from one woman. One day I woke up and noticed that both of my eyes were unusually red so I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with pinkeye, soon after I took an STD test and came up positive for herpes. Right before that happened, I gave a guy a blowjob and let him cum in my mouth. I’ve since had multiple STD tests and the only thing that has remained constant is me having Herpes Virus II (HSV-II). My sex addiction was so bad that after this happened, I started participating in S.A.A (Sex Addicts Anonymous).
This was so wreckless because I not only put myself at risk but others as well, on and off for years and got lucky many times. Of course after my diagnosis I realized I needed to swear to celibacy. So I’ve been sex free ever since. Never had genital warts, I guess I must have an asymptomatic variant. Obviously this is not something that I had to “learn from”, it had already been well over a decade since I attended my first sexual education class when I first started having promiscuous sex, so I knew what I was doing and the other men and women involved who all wanted the same thing did too. Don’t be an idiot like me, there are some nasty diseases out there.
2.) Convincing My Mom To Have A Pillow Fight In The Dark
Okay, so maybe my mom can share some of the blame for agreeing to do this in the first place but when I was thirteen years old, I decided to challenge my mother to a pillow fight in the dark in my parent’s bedroom; me and my brother versus her-two against one. This was one of the very rare occasions my brother and I got along. She agreed and so once the lights went out, Neil and I playfully swung our pillows at her, gleefully jumping up and down on the bed until I felt a big thump on my right kneecap and heard my mom scream “STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP!”. There was some fumbling towards the lightswitch at the other side of the room as my eyes had not yet adjusted to the dark. After thirty seconds of looking for the lightswitch and finally managing to turn it back on, there was mom with a bloody nose, dripping all over the bed. Of couse I was very apologetic and I believe she had to get some stitches in her nose after that happened. Pillow fights in the dark are a really bad idea so for you parents out there who love to have fun with your kids, if they ever suggest something like that be sure to tell them no.
3.) Almost Burning Down The Neighborhood At Thirteen
I was thirteen years old and as I look back I see a kid who was a little dimmer than most of his peers. Certainly lacking in good judgment and common sense at times. I suppose that could describe most of us at that age. I was very troubled and segregated myself from my family because I did not trust them nor did I enjoy their company. I grew up with my adopted mother, father and brother and had a particular dislike of my younger brother for reasons that still don’t make sense to me even to this day. So intense was my dislike that my parents set up a gate in the living room to separate him and I from interacting. I had one one side of the living room and my brother had the other side, which was separated by a white, metal gate. |
I started a club that I called “Fort Superior” where a childhood friend named Steven and I nailed a large board to a fence poll in the backyard of my parent’s house, which blocked a pathway behind a big bush. Behind this big bush was a space large enough for a small table, some chairs, an ice chest and a few other things. Our childhood minds morphed reality into imagination as we believed that we were generals protecting a military fort from the supposed threat of my younger brother Neil. So serious did I take this delusion that at one point I visited my best friend Zack’s house wearing a suit and tie with a fully typed “Rule Book” about how membership of this club was all about helping elderly women across the street, fighting “bad guys” and most importantly keeping my brother out of our fort and club. |
The Event In Question |
On that day, I persuaded a friend of mine named Steven to start a firepit in the backyard behind the bush. At this time we were both very close, in fact we spent alot of time together. He agreed to go along with the plan and so we created a mini pit by moving a bunch of the landscape rocks to reveal some dirty where we would then start the fire. We broke some twigs from the bush, threw them onto the ground and doused them with lighter fluid, then lit them on fire. The first was small. Too small for my liking, so I started acting like a baffoon throwing more small sticks onto the fire until it started to get bigger. At one point Steven said “Stop, it’s starting to get too big, Bobby!” but I kept hyping up the flames, throwing even more lighter fluid and more twigs onto the fire, as it grew and grew. It took me a little too long to realize it, but in no time at all it had become very difficult to contain and that’s when the fire started getting dangerously close to catching the entire bush on fire! We had to think fast and so we devised a plan; I would go back inside and try to distract my parents from going outside while Steven tried to do damage control and contain the fire. I rememeber realizing just how out of hand the fire had gotten after I convinced my parents to go to the grocery store to help buy us some time to fix the situation. Believe me when I say the fence was starting to burn at one point! I don’t remember what we did, but somehow we managed to prevent the fire from spreading and I learned my lesson never to fuck with fire again. From an early age I was fascinated by fire, but I wouldn’t call myself a pyromaniac. I just thought fire was cool when I was a kid. |
I hope you all enjoyed my short list of dumbest things I’ve done in my life. Maybe if this gains enough interest I’ll make a “Some of The Worst Things I’ve Ever Done” post, too! More posts are on the way, probably soon. Keep an eye out and if something resonated with you, leave a comment and subscribe.
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