Time And Distance

People like to use phrases like “I need space!” or “I needed to remove myself from the situation!”. Often times when faced with an emotionally overwhelming situation that we can’t handle, it makes sense that there needs to be a period of “breathing room” allowed. Otherwise it may become difficult to think clearly and act rationally. I am no different, though I sometimes hold onto things much longer and with greater intensity than others I have noticed, even with the progress that I have made over the years. Any source of agitation has to be totally removed without exception, because that is the best way to help me move forward. Usually for extended periods of time. I typically prefer to be forgiving and understanding which greatly contrasts with who I used to be, especially the further back in my history that you go.

There was a time during my childhood and adolescence when if my parents tried to say “Hi” to me, say “Good morning”, compliment me on my choice of clothes or tap me on the shoulders to get my attention, I would punch myself in the stomach to eliminate any soft or gentle feelings, cross my arms and pout. I thrived on aggression and isolation, was deeply vindictive and lashed out frequently, even against friends. I recall being unstable, verbally abusive, quick to judgment and arrogant. If I didn’t get my way I would cry or throw a fit. It has taken many years to recognize these patterns of behavior as unhelpful and unacceptable. By the time I reached my early twenties I was more depressed than anything. It wasn’t until around age twenty-five that I started to mellow out a little bit, but that came after all of the drug useage, close calls with the law and assaulting my own mother.

It wasn’t until having a conversation with my mother awhile ago that I found out my parents thought I would one day end up killing somebody or being killed by somebody. Through it all, they continued to show me support and love even when I tested their boundaries. It’s almost certainly true that perhaps early on I should’ve been medicated until a point of maturity and growth had been reached where I could learn how to behave in more civil manner. All of this is brought up to paint a clear picture that contrasts who I am today with who I used to be, all while acknowledging that there is some progress that still needs to be made. For me, most things can be let go easily and over time, more reasonably understood with some perspective and humility.

Obsession, Rumination & Looping

If time and space isn’t plentiful enough and someone tries to force the issue too soon, I find myself getting stuck in the same old mindset repetitiously. Trying to resolve anger, shame and inner conflict is very difficult under that kind of pressure. The symptoms of this comes in the form of repetitive blog posts that tackle the same old subjects time and again without any clear resolution or change in perspective. I end up trying to blog as a way to cope rather than to feel freer or express myself. A madman looping, choking and drowning in the defecation of his own thoughts, using other people’s minds as toilet bowls to relieve my pain and frustration. Sometimes it’s not as aggressive as “forcing” the issue, but approaching me without the expectation of having a genuine heart-to-heart is just as aggravating to me.

I often have a lot to say and might even be willing to own up to my part, but when you call me out of the blue acting as if nothing happened when we have a whole history that needs to be revisited, I find that disturbing. I had this happen with my birth mother when she contacted me for the first time in a long time in 2022. At that point, I don’t remember how long it had been since we had last communicated, but I know it was probably at least two years, maybe longer. I admit I was too upset to handle that interaction with the tact that I should have. It was in fact, later that same day that I blew up on her for no other reason than being unable to hold back my resentment from the past. The very thing I wanted to work through.

I definitely fucked it up very quickly with my anger. One of the times afterwards though I did try to work with her to pick a time to have a longer conversation about some things over the phone, but she was oddly evasive, which frustrated me even further. I don’t like people who avoid me, I prefer to have head-on conversations and address everything openly. If I have problems with you, being denied the opportunity to discuss it drives me insane. Don’t dodge me motherfucker, I ain’t a bullet! It’s rare cases like these where I actually need someone to enforce separation between them and myself, because all I can think about are the twenty different issues I want to discuss. Matter of fact, I’ll even let you speak first if that will make it easier. Don’t try to talk to me if you aren’t willing to mend some bridges. Waste of time, I will just continue to resent you and that’s bad for both of us!

Calm After The Storm

I don’t have many people from my past that I resent anymore, most of them I see completely differently from how I saw them when we were still communicating. There are moments of cringe whenever a random memory comes up and I suddenly have some insight about a decision I made that was harmful or inconsiderate to another person. It becomes clearer to me with time that I missed out on plenty of opportunities to make new friends and even keep the ones I had in my youth, had I been less selfish, less self-destructive, more compassionate and more aware of how I was affecting other people at the time. Of course as they say, there’s no rewind button. That’s what I need; time to reconsider, time to think, time to grow, time to feel.

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