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Styrofoam cups, shitty Maxwell coffee and steel fold up chairs that pinch the fingers and reshape your spine are oddly nostalgic to me. Like any new experience my first exposure to twelve step programs was memorable. I recall showing up to my first meeting under threat of being disowned and locked out of my parent’s house. Seeing no other way out, I made the sensible decision to start attending. Of course I was not exactly interested in buying what I felt was being sold to me but considering my lack of ideal options at the time, I decided to take in some of what was going on around me anyway. I wanted to assume it would be a one-and-done sort of deal and then there would be no further discussion of these meetings after that first time, but even back then I knew I was lying to myself. My history with drugs at that point-though not extensive, was dramatic enough to warrant a “gun to my head” type of intervention.

I wasn’t sure what to think at first. I remember being evasive and not really wanting to talk to anyone so I only half paid attention. Once the meeting was over I was glad to finally walk out of that place, unfortunately some friendly faces decided to welcome me “home” against my will. They did not know of the hostage situation I was in, how could they? The thing about these programs is that different circumstances bring people into the rooms. Some people are court ordered to attend meetings, others finally reached the realization that they had a problem and then there are those like me who simply wanted to turn down the heat so that our loved ones would leave us alone. There’s something about that second group of people that is strange. They just seem to “get it” and facing the new reality of their lives appears to be very straightforward with little hardship or confusion to be had. They repeat the same tired phrases and sayings and recite well known passages from the literature almost like a single monolithic being. People like myself however, may come into “the rooms” (a vague description for all people in Recovery) with hesitations, skepticism and may even relapse and try again for years at a time before finally accepting their place.

I’m certainly not the most practically minded individual but one of the cornerstones of Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous is “Acceptance”. In other words, “anytime a person or thing disturbs us it is not that person or thing, but our unwillingness to accept it as being exactly the way it/they should be”. A fair point to be sure but I’m more of a “Let’s get shit done!” kind of guy and much less of a “Just let things be” type of guy. I’ve never been one for taking a more passive approach to my problems and yet I’ve reached a point in my own personal journey where recognizing futility is actually a super power in its own right. If there’s nothing you can do then focus on you. It’s not just the A.A way of life but a rational conclusion about the nature of understanding circumstances in which we have a say and ones which we are powerless over. Power is a big concept in Recovery circles, in fact it describes the main obsession that each of us have in common in which we have had to work to overcome. To varying degrees of success of course.

The real test of the program for me is that there is no middle or end, it’s just one big beginning. I prefer to have things I can actually finish and complete. This is why it always bugged me whenever outside people referred to N.A meetings as “Classes”. It’s not something you ever graduate from or move on from. The core belief system of these programs is that we have a lifelong “disease” which will persist until we die and that therefore, these meetings are an essential asset if we ever hope to keep our addictive tendencies at bay. Almost like believing that a diabetic no longer needs insulin if they take it for only a week. Nope! We disagree with that philosophy. However expecting those who’ve never personally had to contend with addiction issues to understand does seem unrealistic. After all, nobody is born knowing everything!

Accepting that your sister, mother, brother, ex husband, ex wife, ex friend may never speak to you again regardless of how much you may improve is my personal version of Hell. I am motivated by results and when there is nothing to show for my efforts, I tend to lose interest very quickly. The second group-”The Monoliths” or “The True Believers” as I like to call them seem to on one hand accept what they can’t change while simultaneously holding inside a deep well of grief that they don’t always share about. The way some people in Recovery speak of themselves gives off the vibe that they quietly hate themselves and are on the verge of taking their own lives. As if silent and consistent self-flagellation were the key to a happy life. Fortunately, I’ve met a fair number of people in Alcoholics Anonymous who genuinely seem content. These are the ones who I feel ooze with authenticity and speak to me in a language I can actually understand.